Thursday, May 10, 2012

Obama Begs Support for his Marriage Switcheroo

President Obama's campaign just sent out his umpteenth fundraising appeal, this time couched as a thoughtful explanation for his recent declaration of war on traditional marriage. Below is an excerpt from his email letter. The black text is Obama's original text. The text in red translates the political-speak into something we can all understand.

Susan -- aka Liberal Mailing List Drone
Today, I was asked a direct question and gave a direct answer: My Veep Joe "Gaff-a-Minute" Biden got me into this FUBAR, and I would really rather not go here, but Carville is nervous we're gonna lose BIG in November so I have to come out of the closet on this issue to rally my extremist base.
I believe that same-sex couples should be allowed to marry. Please understand, back in 2008 I needed the black vote. Since they're in the tank for me now, I really need the gay vote in Hollywood and their money to win in 2012.
I hope you'll take a moment to watch the conversation, consider it, and weigh in yourself on behalf of marriage equality. . . . Wasserman-Schultz shouldn't have picked a traditional marriage/ right to work state like North Carolina state for our national convention! I need something positive to spin here.
I've always believed that gay and lesbian Americans should be treated fairly and equally. Marriage is discriminatory as an institution against women especially. Always has been -- just ask my mom. I was reluctant to use the term marriage because of the very powerful traditions it evokes. I oppose all American traditions, especially powerful ones, and Thanksgiving is next but I didn't want you to know. And I thought civil union laws that conferred legal rights upon gay and lesbian couples were a solution. I hoped the gay lobby would STFU until after November 2012 when I have more flexibility -- didn't they get the memo from my buddy Putin?!?!?!
So I decided it was time to affirm my personal belief that same-sex couples should be allowed to marry. Internal White House polls tell us we're moving back to Chicago in December. Michelle is frantic because she can't focus on her next vacation, her organic garden or her food agenda for all Americans.
I respect the beliefs of others, and the right of religious institutions to act in accordance with their own doctrines. Except when it comes to contraception and that nefarious Catholic Church! They've gotta pay for abortion and sterilization under Obamacare just like everyone else. Religious objectors be damned!! But I believe that in the eyes of the law, all Americans should be treated equally. It's just that some people, like my liberal financial supporters, are more equal than others. And where states enact same-sex marriage, no federal act should invalidate them. Unless the state enacts a traditional definition of marriage as being solely between one man and one woman. Those have to be steamrolled just like Arizona's immigration laws. And we're gonna get rid of DOMA, too, just as soon as I'm re-elected. Pinky Promise!
If you agree, you can stand up with me here. I need MONEY. Seriously, hit the Donate button. NOW!
Thank you,
Barack (He who killed Osama bin Laden. That was me! and I like having a one word name like Rush and Oprah!)
More than 1.9 million people like you power this campaign. Thanks to our union money laundering operations across the country. If you can, please donate now. Tell us you still like us, PUH-LEEZE!!
Marriage is now just another evolving plank in Obama's Social Gospel.

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